1. Everything you own — your furniture, your clothes, your socks, your underwear, your food, your dog — is covered in drywall joint compound dust.
2. You have tried every single one of Amy’s frozen meals that your grocery store sells and you know which are your favorites and which to avoid.
3. You have given up trying to look decent on your way into work because on any given day your nails will be worn, your skin chapped, your shoes spotted with joint compound and there is possibly paint in your hair. Good thing your boss is as much as a cheap DIY-er as you and can relate.
4. You have discovered that if hell truly exists, it is most likely some manifestation of spending eternity in the Ikea checkout line on a Saturday afternoon.
5. When you reach into your purse or any given coat pocket to find your keys, you are likely to find a number of old paint chips you had at one point been considering. And Ikea receipts.
6. You have given up trying to impress your guests by furiously cleaning beforehand, because, when your kitchen is in your dining room and your dining room is in your living room and your storage room is in your entry way…what is the point? Everything’s covered in drywall dust anyway.
7. Suddenly, what you thought were awful ceiling tiles in the master bedroom don’t seem so bad anyway…Yeah….I think we can last a few more years before we rip those out and put drywall up…
8. You feel congested and think you might be coming down with a cold, but after a few days and no other symptoms, you realize it’s just…the drywall dust.
9. Your husband brings you flowers on Valentines day, and since you haven’t unpacked much yet in the chaos of a kitchen reno, you don’t know where any vases are and so you use a beer bottle instead. Klassy.
10. You learn things you never thought you’d have the opportunity to learn — like, apparently, you should not wash dishes in the bathroom sink while someone is showering. Ouch.
11. You wish you had paid more attention in 10th grade geometry and are scrambling to remember those big words so vague in your mind these days…what? hypotenuse? a2 +b2 =c2 ?? You mean I have to like, use my brain to measure and calculate? Home Depot doesn’t sell some magical calculator for tile floors? What????
12. You become a total snob about things you never even noticed in your pre-homeownership days, much less cared about. Oh, did you see the neighbors put vinyl siding up and I heard they also have LAMINATE floors! How McMansion! And unsustainable!
I mean, you HAVE to resolve the cognitive dissonance you’re experiencing over this self-created madness somehow.
13. Eventually, you just give in to the madness and decide it’s just like camping — and hey, you willingly and happily do that several times a year!
*Sigh.* We’re making a lot of progress, but just when I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel…I realize it’s just a train coming toward me ;).